I have been dealing with feeling scared about writing on here for the first time almost since I began the site almost four years ago.
Things I don't know for sure right now: what my next steps are in certain areas of my work... I have some pulls to offer new things in a new way. It's a little scary and a little wonderful and the voice in my heart tells me it will all work out ok.
This voice is a little faint right now. It's been hard to write because I disappeared when I found a relationship to dive into and was reveling in that and now, in the last week, it's suddenly been put on pause. I don't know if I'm dealing with an ellipses or a period.
What I do know is that we hit a wall. It was sudden and huge and startling. The beliefs that have ruled us for years came up and there wasn't a way to see past that. I wanted to hang in it and he needed to step back. And the voice in my heart couldn't do much but cry for several days.
I'm listening for hope now. I do feel it. Whether or not this ends (or doesn't) the way I want it to isn't really in my control. But I do think these moments all go back to one of the Nick Cages in Adaptation, the one who loved the girl who didn't love him back. "I loved her," he said to Nick Cage #1. "And no one could take that away from me, not even her."
It's nice to hang with love and not let anyone else drive that bus. I trust that. It feels better to be in limbo right now than to force an ending. I keep thinking of Rilke on all levels of my life right now, because he seems to get it solidly with the quotation from Letters to a Young Poet:
...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
I couldn't say it better. So I won't try. Off to bed now...
Things I don't know for sure right now: what my next steps are in certain areas of my work... I have some pulls to offer new things in a new way. It's a little scary and a little wonderful and the voice in my heart tells me it will all work out ok.
This voice is a little faint right now. It's been hard to write because I disappeared when I found a relationship to dive into and was reveling in that and now, in the last week, it's suddenly been put on pause. I don't know if I'm dealing with an ellipses or a period.
What I do know is that we hit a wall. It was sudden and huge and startling. The beliefs that have ruled us for years came up and there wasn't a way to see past that. I wanted to hang in it and he needed to step back. And the voice in my heart couldn't do much but cry for several days.
I'm listening for hope now. I do feel it. Whether or not this ends (or doesn't) the way I want it to isn't really in my control. But I do think these moments all go back to one of the Nick Cages in Adaptation, the one who loved the girl who didn't love him back. "I loved her," he said to Nick Cage #1. "And no one could take that away from me, not even her."
It's nice to hang with love and not let anyone else drive that bus. I trust that. It feels better to be in limbo right now than to force an ending. I keep thinking of Rilke on all levels of my life right now, because he seems to get it solidly with the quotation from Letters to a Young Poet:
...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903
I couldn't say it better. So I won't try. Off to bed now...
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