Last week, Pamela Des Barres read at Book Soup. Her book, Take Another Piece of My Heart, A Groupie Grows Up was re-relased the beginning of this month. Dubbed "Queen of the Groupies," Pamela is an icon among those who followed bands in the sixties as well as anyone who has ever dreamed of getting backstage and getting busy with a musician. She took the idea of the girl groupie and made it something powerful for women. Her writing talks about love, music, and what it meant for her to grow up in this world.
The most noteworthy part of the event? Not only did Pamela read from her book, but so did two of her exes: ex-husband Michael des Barres, as well as ex boyfriend Jimmy Quill. Des Barres, the champion of love between musician and muse did divorce husband Michael Des Barres over infidelity over a decade ago, but now enjoys a close friendship with him that was inspiring to watch through the event.
This lady is the real deal. Why do I talk about her as a Remabulous Heroine? Because she has achieved the ultimate goal: making the life you've dreamed of a reality, even if it doesn't happen in the way you'd expect. As I have noticed the language people use when talking about the ideal job starting to parallel the descriptions of the ideal mate, I realize that the two goals may not be so different on a philosophical level.
image: Pamela and Michael Des Barres at the Austin Music awards c/o Austin Chronicle.
As women, we have learned that the goal is no longer to seek the prince who will rescue us and carry us of into the sunset. We know that we seek our own destiny, but that it would be nice if there were a lover in the picture as well. Still, I think this desire to have the happily ever after still exists- it's just been moved over into the realm of work. We talk about "dream careers" the way we used to talk about dream lovers and think about finding the right work for me. It's interesting that we don't notice how similar the ideas are. And since this is still happening, I think Pamela Des Barres is a good example of how we're still missing the point of real living.
Her pursuit is enticing to us because she followed her own dreams. She wanted to get into the heart of where the music came from and that meant taking musicians as lovers as well as becoming a performer and a writer herself. Her whole life has been an attempt, and a successful one in many ways, to discover where the passion that makes great music has come from.
What makes it equally amazing to witness, either through reading her work or by watching her at an event, is that she is totally dedicated to her cause and to her belief that being a groupie is a worthy goal if that is what you are seeking. This is where I see the parallel with those seeking Remabulous work.
As I see it, the makings of a really stupendous life don't come from finding the already-laid-out career and its trimmings that you can then slip on and feel like you've just found your custom-made glove. For some people, finding something pre-made is enough. Bu for those who do seek love and passion through work, it is more than that. It asks more of you. I see Des Barres as someone who asked the question "who am I and what do I love?" a lot more often than she asked "what do I want to do?" This clearly wasn't an easy choice to make. Most people don't want to endure a decade or longer of marriage to someone struggling with addiction or to step outside the realm of the predictable plan. Still, in the end, it seems that she's made it work for her.
I was struck by this idea as well in an interview Susie Bright did on her excellent show, In Bed, with Tristan Taormino (pictured @ right)regarding the publication of her book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. Now, I'm neither here nor there on the topic of open relationships themselves. I know people who have succeeded in them, and those who have not been so happy. I've never had one myself. Still, the topic certainly brings up a lot of issues. The part of the interview that struck me was the one where Taormino asserted that she was irritated by people in open relationships implying that they were somehow more evolved than monogomous ones. She felt that the most powerful choice was on made after people consider all the options and choose for themselves. That might look like monogomy, or it might be something else. What she feels most excited about was supporting people to custom create the relationship that worked for them. Listening to this, I realized that this is exactly the same support I wish to offer clients as they construct their ideal career and life.
When people start to play with the idea of the life that they want to live, it might be helpful to apply these ideas, as controversial as they may appear, to the idea of career. Are you looking for a prince charming lover of a job? Do you expect that it will sweep you off your feet and carry you to the magic castle and ask very little of you in return? Do you want this one job and only this one? Or could you be polyamorous with your work? Do you have to be, in fact?
I certainly am a polyamorous careerwoman, even if I'm not in my dating life. Imagine committing to just one line of work? Never! I love coaching, and art, and writing, and many other projects that fall into my lap along the way. What if you opened up your relationship with work? Would your life be more passionate, more joyful? What if you didn't have to commit to just one career?
It certainly seems to be what has gotten Des Barres to where she is now; that she threw herself into the places where she found love in her life- in people, in music, and in her work. Even if it wasn't easy, I didn't get the feeling that she would want to do it differently.
Those of us who seek to buck the system of traditional working models can learn a lot from those who have bucked the system in their own way. I think there is only gain when we look at those who have done it differently, even if I am not looking to live the groupie life or to have an open relationship in my love life. Good questions are good questions, and I thank Taormino and Des Barres for sharing theirs with us.
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