it has been an interesting week. i finally feel i am making some headway at work and have been totally sucked up by that dynamic. it is a strange thing, to come in from the outside and overhaul a company. but i guess i am just good at organization. as long as it is professional. my attempts at reordering in the personal realm seem to be a bit less successful, shall we say.
my new role at work seems to be to kick ass and take names and make things actually work efficiently. i am good at it. it is stressful and draining to work within a system that essentially functions by hamster wheel power; we are all running like crazed lunatics all the time. i suggested that maybe a bit of planning ahead might make things a bit less crazy and a bit nicer. everyone was thrilled. so am i. if i can make people's lives better by simply saying what i see, i am happy.
however, a bit of brutal honesty on my part seems to have derailed a friendship of ten years. i think making direct observations is not necessarily the way to go in all situations. i never know. the social world has never been one i inhabited easily; i either am totally meek and terrified of offending people, or do just that rather callously and then am not upset at all. i am probably the poster child for the crazy person being the one who gets the dregree in psychology. but either way, it does feel better to come right and out say what i am thinking.
i hope there isn't much more fallout from my new bravado. i am not a stranger to the energy of the hurricaine through the town. this seems to be how i run my life- i think i learn better in chaotic situations. does anyone else wonder why they let things get totally crazy before they can create change?
i like to think my life can move forward in a more peaceful and joyful way, rather than tearing up my whole life and starting again every year or so. jobs seem to slow it down a bit- or at last give an outlet for necessary transformation. that is good. truth is good. delivery of it is difficult.
and so is staying awake when tired. i will not fight sleepiness anymore. perhaps my dreams will give me a compromise between brutal delivery and social grace. i certainly haven't found that yet. but perhaps having more to learn isn't as bad a thing as i had once feared.
maybe the social misfits of the world want to be friends, too. are you out there? perhaps we can band together in our awkwardness. i invite you here!
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