Remabulous

Emptying out.

Lately, it feels like I am being squeezed. There is so much pressure in the world around me that I feel wrung out. Househunting in Los Angeles is a different animal than it was in San Francisco. There are fewer beauties to choose from, and therefore a greater sense of loss when a magical place is given away, especially when right now I am dying for nothing more than to feel at home.

I often feel lots of pressure as a coach to have it all together. To be in balance and have it all figured out. But I am so far from being at that point. I have moments when I am calm and clear, but there haven't been many of those moments lately. What I am realizing is that my work makes me open to take on huge loads: loss, illness in myself and others, stress, and fear about starting and running a business. If I didn't go through all of this, then I would not be able to relate very well to others in difficulty. I would only be able to give what a friend calls "cardboard answers." I am so grateful that the conversations I have for a living are real and deep and wide. Speaking with clients about their lives and hopes makes it all feel worth it. A client going through a breakup or one who is scared about making enough money- I know how this feels, and I can speak from inside the experience.

It's amazing the gratitude I can fit inside this one body. I have to keep emptying myself out with this squeezed by the world feeling. I need to make room for something more hopeful and grateful. It hit me hard today, while talking to a client. How lucky I feel to have this life, even if it isn't all sorted out yet, and even if I got drunk last night and told the same story several times over. Even if I am far from perfect and much more wobbly than balanced. And even if I still cry these days. A lot.

image: 'empty' by atconc via flickr.

Reconstruction: 10 ways to survive post-breakup.

Over the past few days, I have been mired in trying to understand what happened that caused a relationship that I felt had more promise and hope in it than most that I had previously been in to spiral down into a crash-and-burn ending. I have been so lucky to receive comments, thoughts, phone calls, and e-mails from so many wonderful people I am lucky to have in my life. I have gotten to go through the past week with a co-pilot, something I have never been lucky enough to have before. Knowing that there is so much support and opportunity to connect and reach out makes me feel so grateful.

But even with all of that present, it is still painful and sad. Here's how I am trying to make sense of things and move forward:

image: face it. via flickr.

Trying to inspire authenticity.

Since I am Carrie and Danielle's featured profile of the week, and their work is all about inspiring authenticity, I have decided to go for that example this week. I am in a place where my life and my work and my whole world feel like they are being shaken up and down and all over the place. I seem to have lost all the bearings I had even just a week or two ago.

I used to have this idea that we keep thinking we reach points where life is just a straight shot forward along a planned trajectory and that we can count on that. But then it jerks to the side and back and when we turn around and look back, nothing has happened in a straight line. That is how it feels at the moment.

Stunned.

I wasn't going to share this, but a post by Jen Lemen has encouraged me to stay open and be real about what is happening in my life. My boyfriend decided to end our relationship. I am reeling from this decision because the relationship was something we had been working on very hard, and was one that I felt could still be salvaged. I see now that I was wrong and have so many feelings about this. Running through the entire thing to see where it went wrong. What I missed, what I could have done better. Or what I should have seen was the case much sooner, but didn't want to. It is hard and even more brutal than I imagined.

At points like this, I am so grateful to do work that I love with people who amaze and inspire me. Speaking to my step-mother this morning, she asked me if I felt that I could go on with my work and my days in a way that felt good even though this was happening. I was comforted by the response that came out of me- that contiuing to coach people was the brightest thing I could think of doing in the face of this. Thank you all for honoring me with your trust. It is a delight to support you.

Shaking your foundation.

Today an earthquake hit Los Angeles as I was in my apartment on the phone talking to my mother. It was about a 5.6 apparently. Where I was it was enough to shake the building back and forth, but not enough to knock things off shelves and walls. Still It scared the cats.

It struck me, this image of having one's foundation shaken. It is a feeling I am familiar with lately even without earthquakes. When one starts out on an endeavor like choosing an outside-the-box career, it helps to prepare for these experiences. What is your "earthquake insurance" so to speak? WHo do you count on when you get scared or when things are truly challenging? What measures do you have in place should the whole venture crumble under the forces of nature?

If you prepapre in advance, perhaps it will be easier to enjoy the ride. Perhaps not. I emerged unscathed and only slightly shaken by the experience- earthquakes are far more frequent in SF than LA. Still, it made me wonder- what do we count on when it appears everything is about to fall.

I was walking home this evening and overheard two schoolgirls talking. one told the other how surprised she was that, when the earthquake hit, she didn't grab her computer and her ipod like she had expected. She ran and grabbed her little brother in the school.

It is stories like that that give me hope.

Adaptation: Worth watching again for more than just the film.

I saw Adaptation orginally in the theater in 2002 when it came out. I liked it very much, and thought it was clever and funny and original. I might have watched it once more and then hadn't thought about it much since. WARNING- spoilers if you haven't yet watched it...

Michael brought it over to watch after dinner last night and I was surprised how much I loved it even having seen it before. I think there is something to the idea that movies have very different things to say at varying points in our lives and this one spoke pretty directly to everything I am muddling through at the moment...

the footprint

am retreating to lower case since i'm feeling a bit small and washed out today. the post blogher crash has been more than expected. still, there's a lot to think about that was discussed and i want to keep that conversation going.

i couldn't help but think the whole thing went much faster this year. there were so many things i wanted to be able to do that there just wasn't time for. sort of like camp, where you want to try every single activity but there aren't enough activity slots in the day.

one idea that came out in the beautiful blogging and positive posting session was the idea of the footprint. some of you may have seen these carbon footprint off-setting certificates that are available if you fly or if you commute regularly. they put funds towards planing trees or other practices to counteract the emissions created here. i loved that this was brought up by kyran pittman in the context outside just emissions. she talked about assessing the footprint of your blog. i took the photograph above, of little seedlings tacked up on a fence for all to take home in the mission in san francisco, which reminded me or krystyn heide's assertion that it is important to touch people with blogging out in the real world who might never read a blog. i would go further even than blogging, and apply the same principle to life and work...

image: caroline donahue for remabulous

on knowing your limit

given that this was where i was just after the end of blogher '07- at about 8pm i might add- i am trying to go into this year's extravaganza with a bit more of a reserve of energy. between working on new ideas for remabulous coaching, medical treatment, and life in general, i am a pooped little camper.

anyone who has tips for the work and productivity-obsessed who need to learn to stop and take breaks, please send them on down. and on that note... i will keep this a bit shorter today as there is much to do before i take off for the bay area on thursday... more tomorrow.

have a beautiful day and i hope to see some of you at blogher '08 next week!

it's ok to be human

one of the biggest struggles i see in myself and others lately is a steady refusal to admit we are human, aka that we have limits. plugging away despite being tired, frustrated, confused, or upset may seem like what we are supposed to do as adults, but it is my experience that the more mature choice is to admit defeat and take a step back.
here are some thoughts on the path that has served me much better:

image: "T" altered art via flickr.

growning pains and fears that come with progress

over the past week, growth has seemed to come all at once. new group, new clients, new approaches to relationship. all of it. plus big leaps in my health that seems to be headed in a good direction. but how does one hold onto center when it feels like everything is moving along at high speed chase pace, even if it might be in exactly the right direction?

not by following other people's worn out rules, that's for sure.

image:  aussiegall via flickr