I have taken the risk in the past to share the things here that are hard to talk about and to say out loud. My friend Christina Morassi shot this photo a week or so ago when I was in the middle of a difficult conversation with the gentleman caller. We have challenging schedules, big goals, and different ways we are able to show up.
It has been a struggle, making love something I talk about in any kind of public forum. I wanted it in my life, so I put it on the list of goals last August, and I felt that I had found it.
And now, despite trying, despite realizing we wanted to make it work through an ellipses, there is now a period at the end of this sentence.
I have been expanding and growing what I want to accomplish in my work and my life and my ideas and my life feels much bigger for it. I had dreamed of us building these bigger lives together, that we'd help each other along the way. Apparently this desire to be around each other in this process translated as pressure and wanting more than he felt he was able to give.
It's curious to me that the grief is so different this time than it was before. I wanted this so badly to work. I wanted this life to unfold for me with him in it. And I wanted more from him.
It is painful to look over a pattern of a few years of being with people who wanted less than I did. Who didn't want to commit a few years ago, or made big promises but then went back on them, or who didn't want to see me as often as I wanted to see them.
I wonder if it's normal to feel like one is just bad at relationships. Or that it's impossible to grow in business and keep the things from your life that you loved from before. I'm scared of that idea. It makes me scared of what I would have to sacrifice in the future to reach my goals.
I think I'm going to have to let #6 go for this year. It's too heavy and has taken up too much of me for now. I suppose to have experienced it for a couple of months still counts, since I never specified how long I wanted it to last.
Make your goals specific. I think there is a way that things you really ask for always show up. I just wish I had been clearer about what I wanted this time.
I asked him not to contact me again. I didn't see the point. But the space of sitting knowing that may be the end of any contact is hard.
Perhaps hard is sometimes the only way.